Date Match
by Lasaravis
Summary: Marvel at the insanity as the cast of 'Action Man' are featured on a dating show. (Alcohol consumption is recommended for this fic.)


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Author's Notes: Ahhh; ye olde fic of my childhood. (smiles fondly) This was --I think-- the first thing I ever wrote. From the day this _masterpiece_ fell from my keyboard, I was not longer a Fandom Virgin. Anyway, in honor of SWWF being (finally!) finished, I thought I'd update this fic as well. You have served me well, _Date Match_, and in accordance, I have made you better than ever.

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Disclaimer: I really, really, _really_ don't own Action Man, to my sorrow.

DATE MATCH

Host: Hello, and welcome to Date Match, the show where a young lady asks a series of questions to a few men then picks her date at the end of the show. Let's introduce this episode's eligible bachelorette!

Lady: My name is Asazi. Much like Cher, I am a One-Name Wonder. I work as a professional assassin and mercenary. But not _that_ kind of mercenary, if you know what I mean, which I think you do. I am a member of Macy's rewards points program, the Children's Wish Foundation and Dr. X's council of doom. My hobbies are: killing people, killing plants, killing animals, steeling cars, stealing money, stealing atomic weapons, stealing nuclear weapons, stealing guns and stealing expensive jewelry. I also blow up stuff and like to dye my hair green.

Host: (stares) Right. Bachelor One, if you please.

Bachelor 1: Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?

Asazi: Goddamnit. Don't you think I've heard every single crack about mercenaries by now? Jackass.

Bachelor 1: It's alright, I'm not a cop; you don't have to hide from me... So, what can I get for fifty bucks?

Asazi: A quick kick to the crotch.

Bachelor 1: … Okay! Well, I have this slight problem of coming in second in extreme sports races, but I've just met this Dr. X. Great guy, says he'll have me in first in no time, then the cash will come piling in, and I'll change for you baby, I swear--

Host: (interrupting) Thank you... _sir_. Asazi, meet Bachelor Two!

Bachelor 2: Umm... hi. I actually don't really want to date you, because seriously: you're really scary. I would, however, like to take this free air time to say that the Action Man himself will be hosting a new event at Master's Stadium, tickets are $75.00 and can be bought online at Uh, right. Bachelor Three, please introduce yourself.

Bachelor 3: Hi Mom! Look, I'm on TV! (waves) Hi Asazi! _My_ hobbies are doing extreme sports, stopping you from killing people, killing plants, killing animals, steeling cars, stealing money, stealing atomic weapons, stealing nuclear weapons, stealing guns, stealing expensive jewelry and dying you hair green. I also apparently can defy gravity, as some the stunts I do are often hysterically campy without me meaning them to be.

Asazi: Waitasecond. You were the guy that stopped me from killing the president! Millions would have thanked me, and now look what you've done!

Bachelor 3: I'm not going to let you slaughter innocent people just because you're pants are so shiny I can see myself in them.

Some of the studio audience begins to get up and leave 

Host: Bachelor 3! This is a _family_ show. (sigh) Let's move on to Bachelor 4.

Bachelor 4: Hi! I hail from London. I am a pilot and mechanic. I'm honest and straightforward and shagging Bachelor 2.

Host: ... Why are you here, then?

Bachelor 4: I dunno, I was bored.

Host: Oh, Jesus. I should've gone back to school. Even DeVry couldn't be worse than this.

Bachelor 2: It is. Trust me, I've been there.

Host: There really is no hope for anyone anymore, is there?

Bachelor 5: There is for me, if you ever get around to introducing me, asshole.

Host: (wearily) Bachelor Five, please tell us about yourself.

Bachelor 5: I like batteries. I also like static electricity and hair gel, as I am forced to use both in large quantities to get my hair to stay up in its 'do. I am also a tragic child genius, and can control the weather. Pay attention, as I have lots of money and cars and expensive jewelry and mansions and guns and atomic and nuclear weapons so you won't have to steal that stuff ever again!

Host: Bachelor 6.

Bachelor 6: My name is Bachelor 6. I am a brilliant doctor and scientist, but apparently failed ethics. My hobbies are: stopping Dr. X, working for Dr. X, and doing creepy experiments on high school kids. And you'd think, being so brilliant and well educated and all, I could afford to live in a house with plumbing and running water, but apparently not. Also; I can't do anything myself and I have to get Bachelor 3 to do everything for me.

Host: I take it back, you're life is even shittier than mine. Bachelor Seven.

Bachelor 7: Hi! I like to sponsor people and smile and make money and smile and be on TV and smile and be really enthusiastic and smile. Pick me and I will give you stuff.

Host: Well, now that we've done the introductions, Asazi is going to ask her potential beaus a few questions, and they will dazzle her with their wit, I'm sure.

Asazi: (snorts) First question: Where would you take me on our first date?

Bachelor 1: Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Asazi: How pathetic.

Bachelor 2: Did I mention that Action Man will be hosting a live event at Master's Stadium, and you can buy tickets online at 3: I can't really go out anywhere 'cuse I get mobbed by screaming girls wanting my autograph and underpants. But we could always order in pizza!

Bachelor 4: Can my boyfriend come along?

Bachelor 5: I like sushi places that serve electric eel.

Bachelor 6: Wherever bachelor 3 takes us.

Bachelor 7: Any place with lots of people to see you with me.

Asazi: ... Damn. Where do they find these losers? But, just for kicks: would you save me from a burning building?

Bachelor 1: You're so hot, your ass is on fire.

Asazi: (ignores him)

Bachelor 2: Why?

Bachelor 3: Only if you become good and stop your bloody ways. In other words, no.

Bachelor 4: Can my boyfriend come along?

Bachelor 5: No. But if you were trapped up on an electricity pole, yes.

Bachelor 6: I would get Bachelor 3 to do it, but me personally? Not a chance.

Bachelor 7: How much publicity can I get for this?

Asazi: I would just like to remind you that _I'm_ supposed to be the center of attention here. Anyway: what do you like on your ice cream?

Bachelor 1: If you were ice cream and I was hot chocolate, I'd pour all my love onto you.

Asazi: What the...?

Bachelor 1: Would it have been better if I'd said, "Would you prefer chocolate ice cream or—"

Bachelor 2: (interrupting) I like Ben and Jerry's, an official sponsor of Team Xtreme.

Bachelor 3: I like Ben and Jerry's! Didn't I say that already?

Bachelor 4: I don't like ice cream, it makes my teeth hurt because of my caffeine addiction.

Bachelor 5: What's Ice Cream?

Bachelor 6: I don't know, Bachelor 3 fixes my ice cream.

Bachelor 7: I do not eat the food of peasants.

Asazi: Jesus Crapping Christ. Okay; give me shit.

Bachelor 1: I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

Bachelor 2: Why?

Bachelor 3: You can have my autograph.

Bachelor 4: You _can't_ have my boyfriend.

Bachelor 5: I don't do gifts.

Bachelor 6: Whatever Bachelor 3 buys you.

Bachelor 7: My presence is presents enough.

Asazi: That's it. To hell with all of you. I'm going home with the Host. (she drags a stunned host off the stage by the nape of his neck)

Bachelor 3: ... Anyone up for a drink?

And that goes for me too, gentle readers.


End file.
